As you all know, I was released from the hospital last Monday. It was so amazing to go home.
This most recent Monday, the 18th, I had a sonogram that showed Emery’s fluid to have dropped by over half a centimeter. This was so weird considering my test came back negative for ruptured membranes and I had not leaked. On top of that, the sonographer had gotten one amount of fluid (which was an amazing number), while the doctor had gotten something totally different. We left there confused and upset and already scheduled to go back, what would have been yesterday morning, to do a recheck since it didn’t really make sense to the doctor either and since it was basically inconclusive.
Wednesday, the 20th however, I woke up at 5 am feeling a slight gush like I had 10 weeks ago when this whole roller coaster of a journey began. Then, it happened again an hour later. I knew there wasn’t much to do so I just rested and continued drinking a boat load of water. I hadn’t been leaking anymore since 6:30 a.m.
I fell asleep around noon and woke up about 1 to use the restroom. At this point I discovered I was bleeding. I wish I could put into words all the emotions that go on. I was scared for sure, but in a way, your body just goes into fight of flight mode, your adrenaline is up, and you just start thinking of what you need to do. I called my husband, my doula, my mother in law, and let my mom know who was downstairs feeding my son. My son, who I know at this point I’m going to have to leave again. Probably for the long haul. My son, who won’t understand why mommy is back in the hospital and not at home. I wanted to scream, cry, run, yell, pretend it was a nightmare that surely I would wake up from any minute. But, I knew better. At this point, the only thing that came natural at all was to stay as calm as I could for the babies’ sake. I wasn’t cramping or having contractions so I knew that was a good thing, but I’m scared out of my mind about the unknowns.
I said goodbye to my son who I know knew what was happening by the worried look on his face and the questioning “Mommy?” with a hint of cry behind it. I cried as I hugged him knowing we had a long road ahead; whatever that may be, and Kalen and I made the drive holding hands, but not knowing what else to say.
After some monitoring, we were taken back for a sonogram where my doctor met me. Emery had lost more fluid. To give you an idea, we went from 2.88cm on Monday, April 11th, to 1.33cm as of two days ago. I am so thankful she even HAS fluid, but to see how tightly that membrane is wrapped around her breaks my heart completely. I just want to fix it.
Both babies looked fine, showing no signs of distress on the monitor, and no contractions on my end, so no reason to take the babies. Thank you God!
Basically what happened is I re-ruptured and the bleeding is most likely indicative of partial placenta abruption.
All that to say, I was admitted right then and there, and the hospital is my home for at least the next 7 weeks until the plan to deliver at 34 weeks.
I have monitoring twice a day.
I have a port for the IV in the case labor tried to start and they needed to try and stop it.
And other than that, it’s just standing and believing and trusting that the God who got us 10 weeks from the first rupture will get is all the way through to end where we have two beautiful, healthy, baby girls. I am so thankful they didn’t come Wednesday. I am so thankful that my babies are not in distress. I am so thankful for my body that it continues to fight for me even though sometimes I’ve had feelings that it’s failed me. The bleeding is going away and we continue to thank God for complete sealing and healthy reattachment of the placenta. We continue to believe and celebrate every single day and some days every hour, and still have the craziest peace that everything is ok. I’m going to make it. My girls are going to make it. We are all going to make it. And that God holds Kalen, and Harrison, the girls, and me in His precious hands through it all because we are ALL His babies.
Below, I just want to share with you some very raw emotions that I’m dealing with in spite of what I believe and inspite of the core peace. First of all, I’m a mother, but I also wouldn’t be human if I didn’t have some really painful and raw emotions that accompany this experience or places where I have to, what feels like, crawl and drag myself back to that place at HIS feet where I say, “Have it all! I don’t understand, I’m so upset, and I need you desperately to help me see you in these circumstances.” And then on top of that, it just wouldn’t be fair to pretend I don’t have these feelings. Or to only write from a “post-processed” place where I’m a little more balanced emotionally. And truthfully, I’m not fully raw at the moment, but my first morning (yesterday) I was. Tears just ran out of my eyes. And actually, my mother in law had texted me asking how my heart was and that she had been praying for me multiple times in the night. I’m going to post below what I wrote her, because it was/is raw. It is real. It is just a glimpse into the emotions I’m feeling that come in waves in this whole thing. I don’t want to ignore the raw parts and I want them written down because it’s amazing to see God meet me there whether it’s a few hours removed or when I’m reading these back years from now. So here it is. Here are just some of the raw feelings that have come with this process:
I just feel like I failed somehow. Harrison. The girls…everything.
Like my body just isn’t doing its best job. And I can’t fix it. I feel so stuck in everything. Stuck in this. Just “doing” not really “being”.
I feel like my identities in the last two seasons are so drastically different. I feel more who I actually AM now, but I feel stripped of everything and like I can’t fully be me. And circumstances overwhelm so much that sometimes I feel I’m just trying to make it through the day instead of getting an opportunity to thrive and live out who I am. Or something. I don’t know how to put it to words exactly…
Every part of life feels upside down. Like it’s just a big roller coaster ride that doesn’t stop and I’m just trying to ride as best I can.
I’m so lonely. A type of lonely that visitors can’t fix. It’s different. It’s more empty feeling. Because my home, and husband, and son. We take so for granted the “normal” and the constants.
Aside from that, I have and continue to receive so many kisses from Heaven here. I have fallen in love with the nurses and Vice Versa. We are actually building relationships that go beyond “nurse/patient”. In a weird way, they are becoming and extension of my family who they’ve also fallen in love with. I know this 7 weeks will probably continue to be an emotional roller coaster and will feel like forever at times. And yet I know that before we know it, these baby girls will be in our arms, we will take them home, and this will all be one small blip on the radar of our lives. It’s the most difficult process, and yet I see God so much in all of it. And that’s what I continue to anchor to.
When I’m scared about the girls, I just continue to dedicate them to Him. I actually release them to Him completely. They are in no better hands. And that’s what’s important for me to do as well: release myself into his arms and let Him carry me. It is NOT easy. It is hard when day in and day out for almost two months you won’t sleep in the same bed with your husband, you won’t wake up to or put your son to bed, you’re new normal isn’t ideal, you have a needle in your arm praying they never have to use it, you get strapped down like a goat twice a day praying over your uterus and your babies that they remain at peace the whole time, you constantly get your vitals done, the only semi normal food you eat is if someone brings you take out, and try to do your best to stay occupied, and keep worship flowing, and trust every single ounce of your life not only to Jesus, but to the people who are practically taking care of your child and your home and your everyday average things that you no longer get to be a part of for a chunk of time. Is it worth it to have two beautiful and healthy babies at the end of this? Yes. Absolutely! Does it require an almost insane and what sometimes feels like unnatural level of surrender just to press on? Yes. Absolutely.
BUT. GOD. The anchor. The one who has never failed me and never will. The one who I trust. The one I will continue to trust. The one that holds me. Let’s me be angry. Let’s me be afraid. The one who comforts. The one who sees it all. And the one who WILL bring me to the other side. Not just barely, but fully thriving. That’s who I can’t afford NOT to trust.
He is faithful! I’ll say it when I can’t feel. I’ll say it as I stain the pillow with tears some nights. I’ll say it when I watch my husband and son leave my room at night and I stay. I’ll say it when life just gets too heavy. I’ll say it, in the sleepless nights to come with two newborns because He brought me home and my family is reunited. And I’ll say it in what seems to be the mundane moments and the stressful moments of mommyhood because I have 3 beautiful kids to be a mommy to. He IS faithful!
Please keep all of us in your prayers…we need them so much.
•no premature labor
•no more bleeding/ leaking
•no signs of distress
•complete sealing of my sac and perfect attachment of the placenta
•healthy lungs on the girls
•healthy everything on the girls
•and for our hearts (mine, Kalen’s, Harrison’s, and the girls)
•for strength, peace, and hope for my whole family because I know grandparents and everyone are not only carrying us emotionally, but spirtually, physically, practically, and even financially.