How did this happen? When did I wake up and realize how different everything was? When did it change? DID it change or was it always this way and I just didn’t see? How could I not have seen? It’s all so clear now. But why now? Why, when I have so much going for me? Why, when there’s so much to celebrate? What if I don’t want to accept this as reality? What if I refuse to believe this? OUCH! Stop! Just STOP! Please, don’t do this! Fine! I’ll accept it…it’s become too painful not to. But what now? Now my pain stems from the fact that I even have to accept this.
Reprieve. Can I just get a reprieve from this. Even my dreams haunt me, toy with my head, and every day I wake up weaker than the day before. “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want…” I quote this over and over so much that I feel it’s become an appendage on my body. Between the confusion, painful self talk, and positive self coaching, I find myself looking for a hole in the universe to slip into. One that is not bound by time. One in which I could be gone for years. Living free like an exotic bird that takes flight whenever it chooses and can soar above it all. A nomad. Yet, would only be nothing more than a bathroom break to the rest of the world. The world, that offers me nothing more than unsolicited advice half the time. Can I not just tell you how I feel without your peachy, positive opinions? When you ask me what’s wrong and I say “nothing”, it’s because I want to be able to say how I feel without you telling me what I need to do about it. Can I just be alone for God’s sakes? Can I just purge it all from my system like a physician does to an overdose victim? If it was easy enough to mourn it like a death, I would have already done so. But how can I mourn a living thing? Living and breathing.
I’m so angry!!!!! What did I ever do? Do you know how much I care? Do you know how much I love you? God! Do you know how much I wish I didn’t? If I could numb myself of you, wouldn’t that be easier? I ask myself this knowing that it’s not true. I wasn’t made that way. I wasn’t made calloused and cold, despite what you might think. If you only knew me. The real me. If you only saw me. I’m so angry that you are so incapable of that and yet, I hurt for you that you can’t. I want to curse you, slaughter every memory of you-past and present-and I want to magically change it for you, for us; wrap you in a hug that melts every layer of anguish from our cells, never to remembered anymore.
This internal tug of war must end. What must I do? Help me. Help me. Someone. Something. Help me…
This, this is what we do…
I sat down not knowing what the heck to write about. I wanted to blog about nursery updates and really light-hearted, fun things. But the minute I set my hand to the keys, this title came to my head. Pounding in my head almost, and I suddenly couldn’t think of one way to write my “cute little blog” for the day. I said, “God, really? What do I write?” He said, “Just write what you’re feeling, go with it.” I am willing to bet that there is not one of us that haven’t experienced this inner dialogue between our mind and heart at one point or even many in our life. It’s what we do… By “we”, I don’t mean we in our conscious selves try to feel this way. I mean the “we” that is our subconscious. The place that most often goes unnoticed, unseen, and unappreciated. It’s sorting through information trying to bring stability to my conscious mind before I am even aware of it. Behind the scenes… If we could understand what our subconscious carries, remembers, and even provides for us on a daily basis, I sometimes wonder how different we would all be. I am not here to offer any advice today. Rather, the opposite. We don’t always need advice. We don’t always need the “bigger opinion”. The “higher way”. If you identify with the written words above, I suspect you want nothing to do with advice. And you know what? I think that that’s okay. I think that’s just perfect. I think you should be allowed to just feel sometimes without the pressure to “not stay there” or the “Okay, what’s my next step?”
Sometimes, all we need is to know we are not alone. That someone else is feeling exactly what we are feeling. That it’s okay. To be allowed to feel. Because the truth is….it’s what we do, and you are not alone.